will my return disappoint some? neh wat the heck

Sunday, November 27, 2005

My fear of X'mas

walking down Orchard Road can be quite depressing - - seeing people hand in hand/ family outings happily smiling for fotos with the xmas lightings - - i EnVY such simple happiness --

Don't get me wrong, i am not always a sulky individual - - but am one who enjoys company and detest loneliness - - I'm not afraid to admit that i tend to be quite pessimistic if left alone - - so when i see people enjoying themselves with company for pictures, I very much wanna share that moment - -

With Xmas drawing near, I'm glad that i have already have plans this yr- - a BBQ gathering which well, i agreed without hesitation - - with age, such gatherings get rarer - -


Many years ago, i remember this simple outing with this young guy friend of mine who was ever so caring -- remembered every occasion and am always there for me - - well, he is younger then me, so we were never together - - but so, i spent this damn romantic Xmas with him - - same place Orchard Rd - - I really can't recall where we dined, -- but i remembered him giving me a bouquet of roses and 2 Richard claydeman CD's which happens to be my fav in those days - - nothing exotic happened , but i just that it began to pour heavily - - me being the moronic soul, always suggest that we walk in the rain - - not many people oblige --always saying i'm mad- how to get home later? -- well, anyway, he held my hand, strolled in the rain -- we even tried dancing in the rain to the mockery of many other road users trying their best to get sheltered - -

Anyway, he did leave me quite a deep impression -- younger guys are less affected by how public view them isn't it?


worst Xmas -- I was sick at home - - no one remembered me - - i felt horrible but acted tough - - told the rest of my family to enjoy themselves at a party while i cried myself to sleep - - Lonesome Xmas -- I rather not remember - -


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

HIs ReTuRn ~~ I lOSt mY RatIoNAliTy

He called - - i was ecstacised - - i totally 4got the sadness he left me before he went to China - - wanna meet me after work-- help him shop for a jacket b4 he flies off this morning to Thailand then Hongkong -- walked arnd the mall, with me following meekly behind him all this while -- cos i dun wan anyone familiar spotting us together. We kept a distance -- its suppose to be underground - - no one should know about it - -

It was cold - - he portrayed a picture of warmth - - something i wanted the past few days - - i dun bother about anything else-- i just want to be cosily cuddled by him - -

Offered to send me home cos its pouring heavily -- In the lift he was very aggressive -- pushed me towards the side of the lift and kissed me hard on my lips -- plunging his tongue deep within -- kissed me down my neck while squeezing my breast -- i was gapsing for air... startled but yet enjoying every moment of it -- i like him having control over me --

let go of me only when the lift reaches my level -- i hurriedly open the door closing it behind me -- his hands were all over me -- told him to give me time to at least remove my make up-- but he didnt register what i said -- drag me to my room and hurriedly removed whatever i was wearing -- made me suck his already hard cock making it even harder and redder - -turned me over and started fucking me real hard -missionery--

it got me real high -- had several orgasm i guess-- cldnt count -- dunno how some gals can count though -- anyway, i made the same mistake again, i allowed him to cum in me -- i lost my usual cool mind--

Rest back a few minutes, dressed up and off he goes to meet his ex for dinner - - i've come to terms with it, if he wants a sex partner -- period-- i'll play along -- plant my feelings elsewhere --

Just went to the doc to get the pill - - better safe then a danny junior - -

p.s. alot of mails of encouragement frm u guys -- i very much appreciate it...thks and hugs
Sexdoll- - feel free to link me up ya--

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

gloomy skies - -gloomy me

raining for the past 24hrs?? - - ever heard the new song by Stephanie SUn Yanzi -- yan lei cheng si -- (super sad song )-- but reminds me theres this line --我的泪水已经变成雨水早已伦回 (tears reincarnated to rain drops) - - so sad ya -- i shall not be sad any longer cos there are others worse off then me around and i even found the courage to comfort a long time friend who is well very troubled with accpetance of the truth after 20+ yrs that his mum had actually went through an op. to deprive him of a younger sibling that he had wanted all his life - - anyway the incident happened more then 10yrs ago and he is slowly coming to terms with it-- he is lucky to be given a chance to live .. so am I..

Monday, November 21, 2005

crazy.. simply crazy

oh god -- i am going crazy !!--

Though my ex was hugging me when i cried hard on his shoulders - - al that i could think of is Danny riding his ex and her having ahellova gd time - - oh freakish--!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! i hate these illusions -- they are giving me sleepless nites and stone like days --

I hate it- - though from the very beginning we know that we were both in this relationship for sex only- - thats why i never ever questioned him - - but with him being more detailed - - i get jealous - - i am turning green with jealousy- -

Will be mourning for a couple of days - - but i'll come back stronger - - i promise myself - - HE WILL REGRET HIS DECISION -- ( a few days of whining shd appease myself ) **grouch**

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Revenge? Sweet? neither - -

Being the typical Scorpio that i am - - I can be Spiteful, yet always dorn a cool front - - i'm burning within -- but will rarely reveal my emotions - -

Anyway getting company wasnt that difficult -- all it takes is
an sms thats all - -

Anyway, i'm going out now - - with an ex - - yar revenge it seems - - but i just needed company - - someone who treated me gd but yet i never rally loved - - revenge is never sweet - - to where i dont know- -

Ok here i go - - thats my top - - hah

~~heartache that i never thought i will ever feel again ~~

I'm have not felt so weak in a long long time - - i can't help it, the tears cant stop falling - - crap u might think - - but there are some people and things whom i really try to keep and am pissed with myself shd i fail to do so - -

Was shivering earlier- - biting my lower lips in fear that i would shed a tear in front of him which i never allowed myself to- - i shooed him out of my home less then 5mins after he entered - - he left without looking back... i felt betrayed - - i am hurt by him - - and yet i hate myself the most - -

My Story

Danny came over earlier to my place - - telling me that he is leaving later in the night for China on a business trip till Monday late nite - - which well was normal - - he was suppose to bring a belated bday gift for me -- which he well "forgot" as expected- -

Zoomed in on his neck and i saw this real raw red mark which i didnt wanna question any further about - - anyway he was passionate, we kissed and hugged and he took off his top - - happily declaring that the 2 love bites -_ one on the neck and the other on his chest were left by his ex - - i was fuming - - (somethings which i do not question, i dont expect u to be so truthful) i was so damn pissed - - and he took it like - - heh - - its nothing serious ya ( i was just being frank) - - bit my lower lips hard enuff- -threw him his shirt - - get out i said - - it was all silence thereafter - - he dressed up - - i marched to the main door opening it asap - - he did not look back - - he left and i cldnt control my tears further - -

cried myself to sleep waking up 3 hrs later to find myself smsing him that i was sorry for my childish behaviour and wishing him bon vayage - - he did not reply and my heart sank infinitely - - i wanna give him up for gd, but he always returns with so much sweet nothings to say that i keep falling back more into his embrace - -

I yearn yet fear him - - does he ever think of how i felt ?? hah- - Am i expecting too much or have i been taken for granted - -

Friday, November 18, 2005


oh something depressing -- someone messaged me during my bday something that irks me alot alot --- the message is simple-- just 1 line and it left me hoping mad ---

Happy Birthday! Welcome to the late 20s


Private gathering

HI guys/gals--

If u happen to be reading this, u are one of my few invited guest -- a private gathering and sharing session --

I have been good-- nothing drastic happened to me -- just alittle negative when i deleted the whole damn blog back in October -- thought i could break away from Danny, but things seem easier said then done-- and well, we are bak together again -- btw, he 4got my birthday and i'm still alittle pissed about it --

Anyway, the birthdate declared is fabricated-- i dun wan too much identity exposed -- anyway, its not too long ago that i had my 26th birthday and well not too bad, i received 2 bouquet of flowers and a piece of clothing couriered to my office -- being the envy of my colleagues -- well then again, i remembered saying to many people that flowers are a waste of $$ and that they wither too quickly before u can enjoy their bloom -- nonetheless, i still enjoyed receiving flowers -- I MEAN, WHICH WOMAN WLDN'T ALTHOUGH MORE THAN HALF THE TIME THEY WILL DENY IT -- hah --watever

So any diff being 26? nope-- none at all -- still young at heart -- bubbling with life -- wanting to catch harry potter but cant get the tix-- sucks big time --

Anyway, i havent complained in a long long time, so might as well just pour my toughts alittle-- this ex poly friend of mine whom wanted more space in my life is getting on my nerves!!-- he is appearing ever so often that it scared me if he actually stalks me -- at work i get his email, during lunch i bump into him -- he keeps telling me that he will give me time to think things over -- but hey come on, if the 1st impression is NO.. i bet that impression is gonna last --- i love him as a friend-- nothing else -- the tot of it sends shudders