will my return disappoint some? neh wat the heck

Friday, January 27, 2006

MeetinG UncaLled FoR...

Oh DeaR, i broke my promise... i met up with Mr. Policeman (lets just call him Eric)...

I promised Danny never to meet up with him again -- but i couldnt abide by it -- he sounded so sad -- so dejected -- i have no heart to ignore -- it was middle of the night -- awoken from my dream by a fone number so unfamiliar, a shattering man's voice on the other end-- he was breaking down -- my heart sank along his -- he wanted to convey a message to me and was just at my void deck at 2am--

Found some thing to put on (i usually sleep naked) -- hop down to see if he was ok --

The moment he saw me, he hugged me real tight -- and tears just fell freely -- i was worried -- was he ok, wil he be alrite?

A couple of silent minutes later, i managed to cool him down... look at his big eyes-- there were redness in them -- my heartache very much -- his eyes were his best assets .. always big and bright with life --

He broke up with his girlfriend -- someone whom he tried to love for the past yr and yet it was never meant to be -- he said the gal didnt understand him always giving him pressure to live up to her expectations (i kindof reckon that i was once like that when i was younger -- i always look at wat i think is gd for the person and never allow him to say how he feels -- well with age, we come to understand that life is never always rosy.. there are ups and downs in every single life -- so to not be judged, we shd never judge.. well, i tend to nag alittle nowadays.. bear with me )

Anyway, to recap alittle on our friendship background, .. i knew Eric about 6 yrs back .. i was then this 20yr old kid .. very eager to experience life -- i joined a voluntary organisation and Eric was the 2nd person i knew there -- same age as me -- very dashing indeed -- but a cache is that--- he had a girlfriend for 4yrs then, .. we were never together and thereafter, i got to know Alan whom i'm still together with till date -- Alan and Eric were colleagues ...

Eric broke off with his then girlfriend a yr back and thus, got this new young thing whom is pretty much a lian, young and havoc ( a far cry frm his ex whom i happen to know -- a very nice gal, humble and friendly) --

Well, to cut the story short -- his head on my shoulder, sniffing and tearing
he shocked me -- these were his exact words *我做错了, 当初应该选你* (my mistake, i should have woo-ed u then) alittle taken aback, i tried to ignore --

*不要不理我好吗?* (please do not ignore me) ... lifted his head from my shoulders, i told him *不要糊思乱想* (don't think too much) -- then he went on to tell me things like -- since the time we knew each other, he liked me alot, but the timing was never rite -- this issue had been alll along taboo -- we never liked to raised this issue on* friends or more*... but it seems to be brought up ever so often recently --

He isn't usually such a direct person-- he don't usually voice his thoughts that much -- a quiet aura that once made him so attractive -- i feel like i'm being put in a position whereby i dunno if i shd keep my distance to prevent more feelings ( i don't want him misunderstand my concern for anything more) or shd i just give him a big hug to console him as he is so down -- i don't know my stand --

i manage to coax him to go home first as i have to work early this morning -- he left my void deck unwillingly -- went upstairs and fell straight into bed (i took cough mixture for my stubborn cough-- feeling real dizzy) -- saw arnd 10 messages this morning asking me to reconsider our relationship, apologise for breaking down before me .. thanking me for my time etc...

i dare not reply -- i dun wanna push him down th valley -- i've grown out of the days whereby looks is all that matters to me -- i realise he isnt my kind of guy ( he is gd to look at, but not to be totally involved with) ... i rather him as a big brother --

i hope things will not change after this morning's event... i feel real bad to see him sad... but false hopes will even make him worse i guess ... i hope...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Blank or coloured?

Sometimes i wonder if u guys out there will 4get me with time? will there be a day where no one finds interest in my writing-- i fear the inability to share my innermost thoughts but yet shun away when people close knows too much -- but will people who duno me personally care? am i thinking too much?... is my life colorful or issit just a blank white sheet with comparison to u guys out there? am i missing out on life?... i feel very lost-- need someone arnd to guide me -- a very vulnerable stage of my life --


*******************************************

Anyway, i just tendered my resignation letter -- is it a hasty decision? i hope not? i have been saying i wanna leave but the moment i handed my letter over, i feel sad -- i kind of miss this place -- i kindof feel attached to a place i have been criticising over a year -- only then i realise that it isnt sooo bad afterall -- i hate this kind of feelign -- its the same for relationships... its always when i wanna throw in the towel that i feel that its my loss-- and regret it -- why didnt i appreciate it while it lasted --

*******************************************

i thought Danny didnt care about me anymore -- i threw alittle tantrum last evening -- but when he came all the way down to MArina Sq to fetch me home -- i suddenly felt bad --- have i made him go an extra mile to do something i do not deserve of -- i know he has been very giving towards me recently -- if he happens to be reading this, i apologise for my unreasonableness at times -- i am under stress -- should i be able to pick my life pieces back together, i will service u better then b4... i promise ok dude... and i hope the bloody sex we had yesterday didnt scare u haha --

**********************************************


I"M BLEEDING TO DEATH... I'M SO GROUCHY-- LIKE AN OLD WOMAN WITH DENTURES AND WALKING STICK--